As I reread this article that I posted in 2007, albeit little has changed regarding my view of co-dependency, such a deeper understanding of the harm the co-dependent creates for it-self and the depend was revealed.
“O” you don’t like that? But it’s good for you” Most children have no concept of what is good for them, in fact with out an incentive towards good health, most kids could care less. All kids want is what they like, and if you tell them they don’t like something, as the above scenario demonstrates, you set them up to fail.
We create; we mold their behavior with our demeanor and what we model for them. If you wish for a child to do the right thing, model the behavior, give them no other option but to do the right thing.
If they refuse to eat the veggies, then always put them on their plate, and nothing else. When the veggies are gone, allow them to eat, within reason, whatever more they like. Kids will not let themselves starve, but if you are foolish enough to allow them to, they will play on your emotions.
After raising two daughters with a co-dependent who did not support my efforts, but rather undermined all I did, I then remarried. With this woman’s support we raised two foster kids together, until the system felt their drug abusing parents finally had the minimal amount of clean time in order to try their hand at parenting again.
After this, rather gut wrenching, but rewarding experience, I then wrote the following article.
“Who’s protecting Our Children?”
There should be as many different techniques to raise children, as there are different types of children. Because each child is as different as a finger print, I do not believe that anyone has the perfect solution. I am not sure what truly works with all children, but I do know what does not work with all children.
The old school phrase, ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ I believe is often taken out of context, many don’t seem to have a clue. It has been my observation that many have the misconception that children are born naive, and it’s their environment which turns their hearts rebellious.
The source of our being whom I chose to call “God” said let the little children come to Him because I believe He knows that children learn how to manipulate at a very young age. Think about it, when we were infants what did we do when we were hungry? And what was the payoff? Manipulation became our survival. So what works as an infant, if allowed to continue, sets a child up to fail in the real world. When was the last time your boss gave you a raise for whining?
Therefore, their further development must be done by the loving exorcism of one rogue spirit at a time. First we must rid ourselves of the rude and crude MTV mindset that feeds our children’s psychosis!
I believe the rod of correction is God Himself, and without Him as our ethical guide, children will continue their wave of chaos. The Scriptures continue to say, a father who refuses to discipline his child does not love his child. I will add to this sentiment; that any one who refuses to remain faithful to his child’s other parent, does not truly love their child.
Our Creator has made caring for an infant relatively easy. However, it has been my observation that the skills required to raise a productive member of a society requires a strong resolve. A resolve that not all have obviously been granted!
If a parent/guardian, or P/G for short, is unwilling to follow through with a sanction imposed on a child, they are an unauthorized authoritarian, or U/A. Children require consistency and protection from themselves and others. Period!
God plants His seed in each child at conception, however, it is for the P/G to allow Him to nurture that very small seed and remove the weeds that choke it. Every garden has weeds that must be removed.
I have never known a two year old that did not think he was the boss of the house at some point in his development. However, I have witnessed too many P/Gs feed this chronic monster! It is no wonder why most women today dread taking their kids to the store, between the media and co-dependent role models most kids act like monsters in public. They know you will not swat them in public, because they know you fear reprisal.
Hey, if a kid who thinks he is the boss of my home steps to far over the line after being warned, he or she gets a swat on the leg. If the child tells me they are going to tell on me, they get handed a phone.
Soon after a child begins to have cognition that they are separate entities from their mother, sexual desires and violent behaviors begin to manifest themselves that demand they begin to manipulate for the control of everything and everyone around them.
Because havoc sells products, the media is designed to continue this rebellion through televised visions of soft porn, vanity, greed, and violent entertainment. These products compounded with an alcohol and other drug epidemic is the root cause of infidelity, thus, the root cause of divorce, and divorce is the leading cause of children becoming unruly!
Divorce or the lack of both, a male and a females direct involvement in a child’s development is a slow death for children. Any uncertainty causes both, mental and physical harm to children.
Divorce is the root cause of children being sexually exploited and neglected. Most men have difficulty sexually exploiting a child who’s been under his protection from birth. However, a stepfather, or a live in boyfriend is rarely granted a healthy bond with a step-child. In fact statistics tell us that 85% of step fathers will sexual exploit a step child.
Therefore, as long as women are encouraged, almost expected to dress promiscuously on the street or even seen on TV parading around in their underwear, young men’s hearts will continue being led astray from the security of a one man and one woman lifestyle, and the young boys learn that women are to be sexually exploited further.
As long as our society allows the sexual exploitation of people, people will allow themselves to be sexually exploited. If we allow our daughters to dress like whores, they will be treated as such, and they and their children will continue to suffer grave sexual improprieties!
Many appear to have the misconceptions that gays and lesbians are living in defiance of their Creator. It has been my observation their defiance is often the byproducts of others lack of sexual boundaries, or these have received improper guidance that has encouraged their unnatural behavior and desires. Therefore, gay lifestyles are not a choice, but rather, are a social mental health illness issue that can, and should be treated as such.
Gays and lesbians are not bad people, but rather, any form of gross sexual impropriety is destructive to everyone influenced by it. Therefore, just as substance abusers and U/As must not be allowed to raise children, nor should anyone living an extremely unnatural lifestyle.
The Scriptures make it very clear that the pain of anything unnatural will visit the children to the second and third generations! Therefore, no matter how much the liberal mindset hollers, we all know what unnatural is or there would be no debates!
U/As often give children what they want, and too often not what they need. Children will always love their mentors, good, bad, or indifferent, however, if their role model wishes for a child’s respect, they will give them what they need; protection from the influence of this, a dysfunctional world, and protection from societies misplaced ideals.
If children are not taught to love themselves through self respect, they will not learn to respect the views of those who disagree with them, thus will not learn to respect God, thus, recreating more shame and uncertainty for themselves. Children must be taught to love, even for those who they do not respect their views.
It appears that many U/As wish to be a child’s buddy first, so the role of disciplinarian is often compromised by confusing boundaries. First earn a child’s trust, only then can you call yourself a parent who has earned your child’s respect.
Some children appear to learn by redirecting them towards more appropriate behavior. However, others only appear to understand a consequence for inappropriate behavior. Our job is to realize the difference in the multi personalities our Creator presents to us.
Fear and boredom appear to be another cause of chaos in children. Therefore, one of the most difficult aspects in aiding any unruly person towards compliance is learning the art of thinking ahead of them. This allows one to think ahead by what is said, and the message that children hear.
However, it is often difficult for a prideful man to maintain a calm demeanor while disciplining a child. The gift of patients is not granted to everyone, and certainly not always to me, but this, more than anything else is what prevents one from becoming unruly themselves.
Utilizing violence to control children only teaches children violence to control others, thus should only be used as a last resort. Time outs appear to be effective, but often do carry much weight with all types of people. The new age philosophy calls for time in’s.
Yes, I agree that it is extremely important to keep kids close to us; however we must never reward poor behavior even when we know the child is misbehaving because they want our attention. One must try different methods to find the one that helps teach children to get what they need without becoming unruly, or the child will use unruly exclusively.
However, black and blue will never do, whereas, love and calm words of encouragement and, if the child will not hear the voice of reason, as a last resort a little hot pink given by a loving hand on a clothed backside will service a self-willed child quite well, but only if reinforced with a loving explanation. Do not fear reprisal from social services, but do fear a child who does not learn to control their emotions or disrespects themselves or others!
As soon as a child learns to clean-up their own messes, they quickly learn not to make them. A parent who continues to clean-up their children’s messes, or denies the existence of the mess, will always be cleaning up their children’s messes.
There is a fine line between abuse and admonishment, co-dependency and compassion. However, it has been my observation that many people do not appear to realize that over-indulgence and co-dependency is child abuse!
Again, the bottom line for children is; ‘Never reward poor behavior’ I have lived long enough around kids to witness those who have refused to hold their children accountable for naturally occurring inappropriate behavior have often witnessed their children labeled adult/children, or A/C, and in handcuffs.
If a child’s consequence for improper behavior is more painful for the P/G than for the child, the child is being nurtured, thus allowing them to produce healthy children of their own. Our Creator will hold each of us accountable for what we teach our children!
Many children are lead by society’s misplaced ideals they have rights they do not have to earn. Many of the A/C I have worked with in recovery centers grew up with the misconception they have the right to drive a car, and to live as they wish. Most had been allowed to be the bosses of their homes. Comprehending the word “No” was often not apart of their vocabulary.
Because there are so many children from broken homes or have been raised by U/As, our brat camps, recovery centers and prisons are quickly being filled to their maximum capacity, with little resources to build more, or qualified people willing to staff them.
It has been my observation that most children must be taught to realize the difference between rights and privileges. They must be taught that privileges can be removed if not respected. A safe environment, physical and mental nourishment are children’s only rights.
When children are not taught to earn privileges, they become complacent, and complacency often lasts a life time, making the child’s life difficult into their adult years.
The problems we face when we belittle children is, one day they will believe the insults are true and belittle others to feel better about them selves. If P/Gs do not learn to express their differences in a productive manner, children learn to do the same. Therefore, before you act out in frustration, ask God for intervention.
Children who are not taught how to express their emotions in appropriate ways often grow-up to be violent A/C. It has been my observation that P/Gs who raise children, A/C are the byproduct. However, those who raise children to be responsible for their behaviors, produce healthier adults.
P/Gs must learn to see around the corner! They must realize that if a child discovers a tactic to get their own way today, they continue to use that same tactic tomorrow. Therefore, P/Gs who allow children to raise themselves, do not realize the impact of self-will.
Those who continue to teach their children they are not created by divine intervention, but by chance, will continue wondering why many children behave like unloved rabid animals.
Therefore, any media that teaches children blatant disregard for law and order through violent video games, and the like, must be forced to educate P/Gs of the pending dangers, or it is they who must fund social service programs, and provide the treatment centers for the unruly they have created. And the producers of pornography, vanity products and their advertisements must be held accountable for all mental health and sexual crimes that are committed against our children!
Men protect your daughters, even from their sibling’s sexual advances. Stop your sons from striking their siblings at a very early age, or you may be the one he learns to strike! Women teach your daughters to respect themselves. If you dress like a whore, your daughter will learn the same, thus, leaving on open invitation for sexual deviancy.
Fear not a child who does not like you, but fear a child who does not respect you! It is never too late in the day to start over with an unruly A/C. However, it must first start with you! Ask your unruly A/C to forgive you for being a U/A. Explain your mistakes. Ask God to heal the wounds inflected by your poor management skills.
When your children see you, do they see you as God’s representative on this earth? The main theme of God’s written word teaches parenting skills. After all, Who has more strong willed brats than our Creator?
If we wish to view a society’s dysfunction, view its children, as children only mimic what they witness! Again; raise adults, not children, or your off-spring will raise A/C!
I now wish to share that deeper understanding, and the endless possibilities.